I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
