My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
im six kinds of drunk right now
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
