I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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