he shaved USA in his pubs
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize