my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
