do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
