i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Randomize
