im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
