New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize
