We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Randomize
