Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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