yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
