There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
