dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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