i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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