I'm gonna have a badass scar
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
