i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
It's blow job season.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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