please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
