if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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