BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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