My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
