I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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