I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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