so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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