my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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