I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
