Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
