so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
