Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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