how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
