If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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