ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
