I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize