u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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