I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
