Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I want to fling myself into the sun
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize