went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
