cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
