walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
My cat gives me a boner
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Randomize
