i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
