It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
