if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
