Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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