apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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