Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize