She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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