Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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