I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Randomize
