WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize