Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
