Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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