My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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