God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
