just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Randomize
