It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize