Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
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