dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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