WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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