Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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