Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
