he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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