i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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