just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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